The True Story of the Odyssey
by dutch91701
Summary: The retelling of the greek writer Homer's story The Odyssey with added humor. Note: Most of the events in this story aren't based on Homers accounts of the story
1. Chapter 1

This story is dedicated to Miss Kanji Babe, and I wrote it for the benefit of everyone who accepts reality, because they don't know what they're missing.

The True Story of the Odyssey 

Book I

Ancient Greece-

Mount Olympus-

_Zeus and Athena are sitting in the royal palace… bored_

"Hey Zeus", Athena said.

"What is it this time Athena? No you can't borrow my lightning bolts again, if that's what you're asking, not after last time."

"Oh I know, I'm still all staticy." Athena proclaimed, "Poke!" Athena gave Zeus a static shock.

"What the…!" Zeus screamed. "Why do you always do that?"(Athena rolls on the palace floor with laughter)

"Anyway Zeus, what I was going to say was that we should mess with that loser Odysseus. He's boring me. He's been docked on Calypso's Island too long."

"Okay, but what should we do?"

Island of Calypso-

_Odysseus and his crew are looking out upon their ship along with others in the harbor._

"Today's a beautiful day isn't it gentlemen?" queried Odysseus. 

"Well yes, except for the fact that there is a giant whirlpool forming under our ship." One of the deck-hands pointed out.

"Oh, nonsense, you read too many comic books." retorted Odysseus. It was at that precise moment that he along with the rest of the crew, heard the sound of rushing water. Odysseus ran to the dock of their ship, and sure enough, there was a whirlpool under their ship. In no time at all the whirlpool flushed the ship, like water in a toilet bowl when you press the handle, to the bottom of the bay.

" Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried Odysseus, "I haven't even repaid the mortgage on that yet." Then he said to the gods "What did I do?"

_Mount Olympus_

Athena, rolling on the ground with laughter, Athena mocked Odysseus's words "Oh, what did I do, poor me. This guy's hilarious, Zeus. Did you see his face when we flushed his ship. Ha.Woo, is he funny or what?" (More laughter followed)

_Island of Calypso_

"What do we do now?" asked Odysseus 

"We could build a raft" said one of the crew

"There's no way that I'm going to disgrace myself by building a raft, no way!" So they build a raft.

_End of Chapter I_


	2. Chapter 2

Book II 

Ancient Greece-

Odysseus's Mansion-

_Odysseus's wife Penelope is washing dishes in their kitchen_

While Odysseus was experiencing technical difficulty on the Island of Calypso, his wife was back at their home, living on her own as she had done for the past ten years. She was washing dishes, and cursing Odysseus as she washed.

"Freaking Odysseus had to go fight in the freaking Trojan War and left me alone for ten freaking years. I bet he died and it would serve him right if he did."

Of course after ten years most people did believe that Odysseus had kicked the bucket by now, and many men now "sought after" Penelope, if you know what I mean. On day there were so many men at the mansion that Odysseus's son Telemachus prayed to the gods for help.

Mt. Olympus, Palace of the Gods_-_

"Riiiinng! Riiiiiiiing! Riiiii-" 

_Operator answers_

"Mount Olympus, home of the gods, how may I help you?" 

"Well I guess I would like to speak to Zeus." Replied Telemachus.

"Let me see if he is available" one minute passes, harp music is playing, finally the operator comes back, "No, he is busy at the moment. Something about a loser, a ship, and a toilet. Please don't ask. Could I take a message and have him call you back later?"

" Sure, my name is Telemachus. Could you just have him call me back as soon as possible?"

Two hours later, back on earth

"Telemachus? Telemachus?" called the maid

"Yes?"

"The prayer phone is for you"

"Ok" Telemachus picks up the phone, "Hello?"

"Hey, its Zeus. I'm just returning your call from earlier. So what's wrong kid?"

"Umm…lets see… How about we start with the fact that there are men in thongs walking around my house hitting on my mom!"

In the background Athena is laughing hysterically. She calls to Zeus.

"Hey Zeus, this guy never stops. Ha. Look at what Good ole Odysseus is doing now. He's building a raft. Ha. He's incredible."

"Shut up Athena, I'm on the ph- well I guess that is funny, but that's beside the point."

"Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes! Yes! I'll see what I can do!"

Later that day

"Look!" said one of the scantily clad men " up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Wait, never mind, it is a bird."

"Of course it's a bird! What else flies around like that?! And what on earth is a plane?"

"I don't know but there's two of them, and they appear to be-"

Slice! Just then two eagles swooped down and massacred the men hanging around the mansion. When it was all over, Telemachus asked Zeus to bless his voyage to find his father. He also asked Zeus to clean the dead bodies off the lawn.

"So greedy, I want this! I want that!" mocked Athena

"Now?" asked Zeus

"Now!" answered Athena excitedly

Zeus cast a spell and Telemachus's ship was flushed down into the ocean similar to water in a toilet.

"Like father, like son, eh Zeus?"

"Nice call Athena, it must run in their genes."

Laughter followed

"Come on Zeus, let's get some ice cream and go home."

_END_

_Chapter Three coming soon_


	3. Chapter 3

**Book III**

_Telemachus has set out on a journey after his father. His search has led him to King Nestor._

"Well, half of us left after the war," Nestor recalled, "but the other men stayed back to try to calm Athena after she had a fit. I guess it was that time of month, but anyways, all of those who left made it back safely except Menelaus. He got off course and ended up in Egypt."

"He didn't have one of those things?" asked Telemachus

"What thing?"

"You know, uh…uh…a Tom Tom!"

"Huh?"

"It's a navigation system. You know the commercial, ' Its Tom Tom, not Sue Sue'"

"Oh, those things, yeah I don't know why he didn't have one. Well whatever, I'll give you my chariot to go talk to Menelaus."

"Thanks"

Telemachus set off to Egypt, but only a little ways down the road the traffic slowed.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Exclaimed Telemachus, slightly agitated, "What's the hold-up!?"

"Its just Cairo traffic. Every Friday night it seems like everyone is headed to Egypt." answered a passer-by.(anyone who lives in Southern California and has seen the freeways backed up on Friday nights heading out to Las Vegas knows what I'm talking about)

Eventually the traffic cleared and Telemachus continued down the road. The journey was long and tiring and the car took quite a beating, and one morning, after staying the night at a hotel, Telemachus was woken by a phone call from the desk clerk saying that someone was there to see him. So Telemachus put on some clothes and some shoes and headed outside to see what sort of visitor would find him at his hotel, miles away from his homeland. Just then he heard a voice.

"Yo! Over here!" said a man that Telemachus had never seen before.

"Who are you?" askedTelemachus of the stranger.

"Who am I? Serious? I'm X-zibit, you know, MTV? I'm here to pimp your ride? Is that ringing any bells?"

"Um no, I can't say that that helped any."

"Wow, well anyway, what were going to do is take your beat-up excuse for a chariot back to our shop"

"You're stealing my chariot?"

"No, were just going to paint it ugly colors that nobody would have picked themselves, tear everything out of it, put ridiculous amounts of neon lights on the inside and outside, and then for the finishing touch, we mount every television we have in your headrests, dashboard, headlights, steering wheel, trunk, and replace your entire windshield with a TV that displays everything except what's in front of you on the road. How does that sound?"

"Get the (insert curse word beginning with "f" here) out of my sight."

"Crap, come on guys, lets go, I need to pimp something. Hey Telemachus, can I still pop your collar and say 'you've officially been pimped', its sort of my catch phrase?"

"Are you still here?"

"Leaving right now sir."

**End of Book III**


	4. Chapter 4

**Book IV**

_Telemachus made the journey from King Nestor's palace to Cairo, where he met Menelaus. Menelaus, Nestor told him, had been blown off course to Egypt after the Trojan War._

"Finally were here! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" exclaimed Telemachus. His horse made a snorting sound in disgust. "Oh no not you Scottie!" Telemachus tried to smooth things over unsuccessfully. Scottie bucked Telemachus off his back, laughed, and walked away.

"Did you just get punked by a horse?" asked Telemachus's assistant.

"Watch it or else I'll leave you here and ride back to Greece!"

"Sorry to spoil your theory, oh tamer-of-the-beasts, but what exactly are you going to ride away from me on. Scottie doesn't listen to you, and look at him. He's all the way into the city now."

"Whatever, lets just go get Scottie." With that the pair left the chariot (which some hobos grabbed as soon as the duo was out of sight) and headed off after Scottie.

Telemachus found the home of Menelaus and rang the doorbell. Menelaus's assistant ans-

"Hold on one second. Narrator, you said I rang the doorbell, but I don't even know what a doorbell is."

Well it's a device created in the future that makes a chime-type noise that indicate that someone has arrived at your door.

"I still don't get it"

Oh forget it, why did I write your character to be so stupid? Plus your ruining the story, narrators aren't supposed to talk with the characters in a third person story!

"Whatever!" Telemachus stuck his tongue out.

Don't make me come down there. How about I rewrite the story and put you dangling off the edge of a cliff!

"No! No! That's fine, I'll behave."

"Are you two babies finished crying?" asked the maid.

"Babies! Watch it or I'll-"

He started it.

"Well, what brings you here?"

"I am Telemachus, son of Odysseus. I seek information about my father. I think Menelaus can help me."

"Right this way."

The maid led the crying little baby to the study of Mr. Menelaus, when they-

"I still hear you!" Telemachus was agitated now.

Oh shut up and stop ruining the story. You want this story to be great right?

"Well actually I'm just trying to find my dad, but I guess it would be cool to star in a best-seller."

See that's what I'm talking about. You need to work on your manners if were going to have any shot at getting rich.

"What do manners have to do with sales?"

Well you don't see Harry Potter yelling at J.K. Rowling do you? And that lady sold millions of copies. She's so rich she could do absolutely nothing except sit on the couch and eat Hostess products the rest of her life.

"Now that's a great retirement."

Exactly, we can have all of that and more if you just cooperate with me.

"Ok, I'll go with you on this one."

Alright, as I was saying, they knocked on Menelaus's door, maid answered, blah blah blah, more stuff, some more blah and now they're at Menelaus's study.

"Good day sir!" Telemachus greeted Menelaus and shook his hand.

"How may I help you?"

"I am looking for my father and was wondering if you could supply me with any leads."

"Well I know that he was left back in Troy, but after that all I know is that he was tricked by Athena. She said that if him and his crew dressed up in seal skins, and held down the Old man of the Sea while he shifted shapes, that she would sent them on their way and give them information about the other soldiers from the Trojan War. Athena didn't send him home however; she caused a storm that forced Odysseus to dock at the Island of Calypso.

"Thanks for the help" Telemachus got up from his seat and headed out the door. Once outside he found his horse, saddled him up, and rode away leaving his assistant behind. Did you think he was kidding?

_**End of Book IV**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Book V**

_Zeus sent his winged assistant, Hermes, to the island of Calypso to convince her to let Odysseus go. In the mean time, Zeus and Athena have invited Poseidon to a barbecue on Mount Olympus. _

When Hermes arrived he found Calypso.

"Greetings. I have been sent from Zeus to-" Hermes started, but Calypso interrupted him

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. He sent you? Hahaha. I didn't know he hired messengers or a 'different persuasion' if you know what I mean."

"I'm not gay! I was just…you know…created with…wings."

_Calypso is hysterical at this point_

"Well alright, gay or not what did Zeus send you for...to help me redecorate my living room? Hahahahahaha" (more hysterical laughing followed)

"Well, if you can pull yourself together then I can tell you."

"Alright, alright. Tell me." Said Calypso, still giggling.

"Zeus sent me to tell you to let Odysseus on his way" Hermes informed Calypso.

"Alright good, he's as good as gone."

_Hermes left frustrated and offended, and as he closed the door to leave he heard "Wings! Ha! What a flamer! Hahaha…"_

_Back at the barbeque Poseidon, Athena, and Zeus watch Odysseus leave the island on his raft and told Poseidon about their ongoing game with Odysseus._

"Well how about I try?" Poseidon suggested. He got up and walked to the edge of the clouds and lashed up a storm in the sea. Odysseus was tossed overboard, and was tossed about in the storm and washed up on the shore a few days later. Confused and dazed, he stumbled into an olive thicket and fell in to a deep sleep. Not too long afterwards, a pair of stoners came upon the thicket and found Odysseus lying there, and tried to wake him.

"Dude?...Dude? Wake up man." Tried the first.

"Hey, you sound like that turtle from that fish movie. What was that movies name?"

"Shut up! You know that movie's name is copyrighted. If we even mention anything that rhymes with the title we get sued." warned the first

"Rhymes with? You mean like Shminding Shmemo?"

A messenger showed up with a subpoena

"You're due in court for copyright infringement." the messenger said after handing the notice to the stoners.

"Now look what you did!"

"I'm sorry Steve. I didn't mean to get us in trouble."

"It's alright, just don't do it again. But seriously, look at that guy. How do you just crash there in the field like that."

"Whatever he's on, I want some of that."

"Hell yeah! Come on Clive, let's go see if we can find some." And with that the stoners left and Odysseus stayed there…passed out.

**End Book V**


	6. Chapter 6

**Book VI**

_Odysseus is still lying, unconscious in the field, after the recent nautical incident._

Odysseus had been lying there for hours. Not long after his encounters with the stoners, he woke to the sound of women laughing. He followed the sound to a creek, where he found three beautiful young ladies frolicking (and rather naked, to Odysseus's delight) in the water. Try as he might to remain hidden, one of the women spotted him in the bushes (what he was doing in the bushes…well I'm not sure that's PG material). To Odysseus's surprise, the ladies were not hostile towards him for ogling them(little did they know he was doing more than that). (Much simpler times apparently, where women were free to…oh never mind) Odysseus finds that one of the women is Princess Nausicaa of the Phaeacians, so he tells her his story. Upon the end of the tale, Nausicaa offers to show Odysseus to her father. Odysseus follows Nausicaa back into town, but not straight to the palace however…they stopped at Nausicaa's apartment on the way. (For a drink of water, no doubt. Oh who am I kidding, you all know what they did)

**END**


End file.
